When Dad Stays Home

By: Nancy Nordstrom
Courtesy of Jugglezine and Herman Miller, Inc.

Every weekday morning, Jack, a 33-year-old minister and father of two, rolls out of bed and starts the coffee, just like millions of other men. And, like them, he takes a shower, fixes some toast for himself and the kids, and kisses his wife Marie good-bye. That's where the similarities end. After Marie has left for her job, Jack cleans up the kitchen, reads a few books to his kids, and throws in a load of wash. Jack is a stay-at-home dad.

A growing number of families are deciding that having Dad stay home while Mom goes off to work is their best option when it comes to making a living and raising their children. Most often he is the stay-at-home parent because his wife earns more money or has access to better benefits. The average stay-at-home dad is in his late 30s and has two children. Almost all these dads were employed at the time they began to stay home. Perhaps most telling is that 90% of them love staying at home.

Mom: Becoming more Breadwinner than Homemaker

The fact that working moms' careers, to a great degree, dictate why they are the employed spouse is a mixed blessing. Many have graduate degrees and professions, on one hand, that define who they are. On the other hand, they feel they are moms first and career women second. When she's at work, Marie enjoys the intellectual challenges that her work provides but finds it hard to remember those rewards when she's at home. "When I'm at home I don't want to go back to work. Every morning I'm grumpy and unhappy."

Even while enjoying career satisfaction and the peace of mind that comes from knowing that the other parent is home with the children, often the working wives of stay-at-home dads covet the stay-at-home role. "Jack is completely spoiled," Marie says. "If he took a full-time job, he'd know how good he has it. He'd have the separation grief that I have now."

Dad: Trading in Breadwinner for Breadmaker

The men who stay home may worry, in much the same way that stay-at-home moms do, about their intellectual demise. Many stay-at-home dads feel anxious about their employability once their primary childrearing days are over. How will a man with an eight-year career hiatus look to a future employer?

Even assuming that they will successfully reenter the job market, stay-at-home dads see the difficulty of finding a balance between family and work after having had the experience of staying at home with the children. In many ways, these feelings echo the thoughts these men's working wives carry with them every day when they go off to work. Perhaps, regardless of your gender, once you know the joys of parenthood and nurturing, it's hard to give them up in order to work.

The Isolation Factor

If this arrangement is not completely idyllic for the working mom, the stay-at-home dad has a few complaints, too. Isolation is chief among them. Why do men feel more isolated? First, there are far, far fewer stay-at-home dads than stay-at-home moms. And because women have historically been the stay-at-home parent, there are many opportunities for them to connect with other moms.

Many stay-at-home dads have found they can also get support from an online community of like-minded dads. Peter, the editor of At-Home Dad newsletter, believes the Internet is a perfect communication vehicle for men who don't naturally reach out for support the way women do. Through online chats and Web sites, stay-at-home dad chapters have organized throughout the country, providing support, both virtually and physically, for other dads.

Dad and Children Benefit

These couples are willing to reinvent their relationships and, to some extent, themselves because they are committed to having a parent at home with their children. In the process, the father-child relationship becomes stronger, and that is a possibly unexpected perk for the stay-at-home dad. Because along with changing diapers, doing laundry, and cooking dinner, stay-at-home dads also get to know their children well and observe life's little-and big-events on a daily basis.

The stay-at-home dad approach isn't for everyone. It may, however, make sense for those who understand that while the nature of the family is changing, its importance is not. And it makes sense for parents who feel strongly about their children being raised by a parent and who are open-minded and willing to try an untraditional means to achieve that end. Says Jack, "Marie and I both desired to be active parents and felt it important to be home with the kids. It has involved some self-sacrifice. We're young and ambitious but we aren't so keen on having careers as on having lives. And the kids are a critical part of that life."